Fiction - The Lombardi Principle

[emraldeyedauter]

This fiction is written for round two of the storm_and_wolf ficathon. My prompt: “It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi.

Summary: Dealing with the Dalek in Utah has left the Doctor vunerable. He reveals to Rose his darkest secret, knowing she will run from him .... maybe. There is no Adam in this story because I think he's a prat so chose to omit him.

Characters: Ninth Doctor and Rose Tyler
Rating: PG
Timeline: Follows the ending of Dalek
Beta'd by the lovely doctorsdiva
Disclaimer: Dr Who is owned by the BBC and sadly not by me.

The TARDIS has many rooms. Rose discovered this within a day of coming onboard. Some rooms. the Doctor told her, were centuries old, others comparatively new; some purely functional like the kitchen or bedrooms and others created simply for fun like the pool or garden. There was one room however that Rose quickly found to be different from all else. One area where the hectic pace of their adventures were left outside the door; a space that radiated peace, relaxation and common ground. In effect the TARDIS ensured that the library offered the Doctor and Rose sanctuary and it was in this room that they now sat silently trying to make sense of the day that had passed.

It had been a rough on both of them. The TARDIS had taken them to Utah 2012, landing them in a bunker far below the surface of the Earth in a museum containing alien artifacts. The piece de resistance of the collection, owned by Henry Van Statten was a lone Dalek; a mortal enemy of the Doctor's. Not very long ago the Daleks and the Time Lords had fought a war; one that both sides lost. Both had been completely destroyed leaving only the Doctor to carry on the memory or so he had thought.

The Doctor sighed. He had wanted to destroy the metal plated creature but Van Statten would not allow it. He later regretted his stupidity and failure to understand the Doctor's warning when the Dalek had accidentally been fully revived by Rose and subsequently killed everyone it came into contact with. Lives had been lost and sacrifices had been made by many, including himself, and for a while the future looked bleak. Salvation came from the oddest place; from Rose's DNA itself. The same DNA which had allowed the Dalek to regenerate had also caused it to mutate into something new; something other than a soldier with one solitary instinct to kill. Rose's humanity had warped the creatures initial purpose and it hated what it had become; so much so that it destroyed itself and the world was safe.

'Yes the Earth was safe,' thought the Doctor, with no small relief, but seeing that Dalek again had re-opened old wounds in his repressed psyche. Images and nightmares of the Time War loomed larger and more menacing in his mind than they had in a long time. In big bright letters behind his eyes, it brought home once again the grief and terror of knowing that he was the last of the Time Lords, a lonely bitter man whose head screamed at the silence within. Until today he had been healing. He had locked away the painful memories and was starting to enjoy exploring the universe again. He had begun to believe he was strong but the last few hours had smashed that illusion and others to pieces.

He shifted uncomfortably on the seat. The Dalek had not only brought back painful memories; it had, in its own twisted way made the Doctor finally admit to himself another weakness that Time Lords should not have, the fact that he was in love. Tears welled up in his eyes as he recalled what else had nearly been taken from him today; what else he had almost sacrificed. He glanced over at Rose who sat huddled in the corner of the sofa, watching the flames in the fireplace as they danced and moved. To save the world he had nearly lost her, his beautiful Rose; his hearts desire. He had lost his planet but to lose Rose ... he knew that would surely kill him.

Rose sat and watched the fire hoping that its warmth might ease some of the dread and fear she still felt after the days events. The Doctor had been forced to close off the vault to prevent the Dalek from escaping but she had become locked in with it after being too slow getting to safety. As she had faced what certainly seemed her last moments she brokenly tried to reassure the Doctor, via her mobile, that it was not his fault; that she would not have missed any of it for the world. In her heart she had no regrets: for every second she had spent with the man she loved had been worth it.

It had been her fault that the Dalek had regenerated to its full power. 'Stupid little ape,' she admonished herself. To be fair, she did not know it was a Dalek. The Doctor had briefly mentioned the Time War but had not elaborated on it much further and she had not questioned him because it was obvious that the topic caused him pain. The subject had been forgotten until today.

She had nearly died today but strangely that was not what bothered her. What scared Rose to death was seeing a side of the Doctor that she had never encountered before; a man, his face contorted with unrelenting suffering, gun raised, ready to kill another creature, with no mercy in his hearts. She saw for the first time how dark and damaged his soul was and it broke her heart. He had told her that all his people and his planet were gone but clearly there was something else about the Time War that the Doctor omitted. Whatever it was had left him feeling exposed and his normal cock sure confidence was no where in sight.

Rose glanced up from the fire to speak to the Doctor but all words failed her when she saw the tears in his blue eyes. Without hesitation she moved quickly to his side enfolding him in her comforting embrace. It was several minutes before either of them spoke again.

“I'm so sorry Doctor,” apologised Rose against his shoulder. “If I hadn't touched that Dalek, none of this would have happened.”

The Doctor gently pushed her back from his body slightly so he could see her face. “No, Rose. It wasn't your fault,” he assured her softly. “You didn't know what it was. It was dying and all you did was be yourself, bestowing your compassion and mercy on a creature you thought needed help. I wouldn't have expected you to act any other way.”

Suddenly he removed himself from her embrace before continuing, regret and anguish running through his words. “It's my fault Rose. I invite you to come and travel with me in time and space yet I tell you nothing about myself, or my history. I can tell you the exact moment a star is born or relate to you the entire history of Raxicoricofallapatorious but I can't talk to you about myself; you Rose, the one person who is closer to me than anyone else has been in centuries. How weak am I, a pathetic excuse for a Time Lord.” He paused, a single tear graced his cheek, “Oh Rose, if you only knew what I have done. You'd run from me like the very devil was on your heels and I wouldn't blame you one bit,” he finished in a hoarse voice.

Any fear that Rose had felt quickly dissipated and gave way to the sudden pain that tugged at her heart strings. She could hear the agony in the Doctors words and virtually see his tortured soul. Her only thought was to comfort this man in anyway she could; let him know that she would never run from him, never let go of his hand. Quickly she crossed to where he stood in anguished silence, placed a gentle hand on his cheek and hid a smile as he leaned into her touch.

Without flinching she caught his troubled gaze and spoke firmly but kindly, “Doctor, let's get one thing straight. I am not going anywhere. Whatever it is that you did in the past will not make you less of a person in my eyes. If you want to tell me then, yes, I want to listen and learn more about you. Maybe talking about it is a good thing; you know a problem shared and all that... but I will also understand if you don't. I can still remember you telling me, and I quote, 'this is who I am, right here, right now,' and that's still fine with me if that's what you want.”

The Doctor removed Rose's hand from his cheek and gently placed a kiss to the inside of her wrist and she shivered a little at his caress. His eyes were slightly less sorrowful after hearing her declaration but she knew it would take more then a few words to wipe out his seemingly unfathomable grief. Taking her hand the Doctor led Rose back to the sofa but instead of letting her sit beside him he pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her. If Rose was surprised by this turn of events she did not let on, instead she rejoiced at the closeness; hoping he would never let her go.

The Doctor was not quite sure why he had acted like he did but it felt right and Rose's closeness gave warmth to the bleakness in his hearts. He knew it was time to share with her, the burden he had carried within him for so long. He raised his face to hers, worry evident in his eyes.

Rose met his gaze, her own eyes full of compassion and love. “Talk to me Doctor. Trust me,” she encouraged him in her soft voice and he knew in that moment that he would tell her everything, hold nothing back.

“You remember Rose, just after our time on Platform One, I told you that my planet had burned; that there had been a war?” he asked.

“Yeah. I remember,” agreed Rose. “You said you lost and then earlier today you said they were all gone.”

“Yes,” he replied regretfully. “But my people weren't the only ones. That war Rose; it was between the Daleks and the Time Lords. Until today I thought they were all destroyed too.” He saw her eyes widen in horror at his words as clarity and understanding hit home and he tightened his arms around her.

“My God,” gasped out Rose. “Oh, Doctor, my poor, poor Doctor. I couldn't understand what had happened to you. I wasn't able to comprehend why out of all the monsters and creatures that we've encountered it was this Dalek that made you ready to kill. The darkness in your eyes frightened me; so cold and distant,” she finished sadly.

“Yet you still challenged me Rose Tyler,” he reminded her with a small sad smile. “You stood there and told me off for not understanding what was going on. You saw what was happening to that Dalek when I could not, because I was so blinded by the past and my own guilt.”

At his last word Rose started in surprise. “Guilt? Doctor what on earth have you got to be guilty about?” she asked in astonishment. “There is more to this then just seeing that Dalek again today isn't there Doctor? Whatever you are feeling guilty about is something to do with the Time War.” Then an awful idea came to her. “You ... you didn't start the war ... did you?” she finished hesitantly.

He did not answer her but she suddenly found herself being moved from his lap and placed down on the sofa. The Doctor was walking away from her again, his back to her so she could not see his face.

“Doctor, please answer my question,” she begged. “Did you start the war?” Without warning he turned towards her, and the first thing she noticed was that his rugged face belied his intense suffering.

“No Rose,” he answered hoarsely. “No I didn't start the war ... I finished it! They're all dead because of me.”

Rose let out a breath she did not even realise she was holding. She had not been expecting this but she recovered her composure quickly, her focus again only on the Doctor. She stood up slowly and started to warily approach him however he signaled to her with his hands to stop.

“Please Rose, I'll tell you everything but please don't touch me. I don't deserve your compassion,” he argued.

“I think that should be for me to decide Doctor,” retorted Rose, however she made no further move to come near him.

The Doctor rested his back against the library wall, letting the TARDIS' natural hum give him courage to speak about things he had not told anyone in years. He started at the beginning, talking about Gallifrey; describing its beauty to Rose in words so spectacular she could see a vision of it painted in her mind.

“I wish I could have seen it Doctor,” she told him wistfully.

He smiled that bittersweet smile at her again, to show that he appreciated what she had just said, before continuing. He spoke of many things, but glossed over much of the detail. After all 900 years was a long time. He spoke of councils, and his rebellion against the leaders of his world; even after they made him President. Names of people long gone, were brought back to life if only briefly as his monologue continued.

Rose lost track of time as she sat silent listening intently to the Doctor as he talked. She had so many questions but felt it was better not to disturb him lest he never share himself with her like this again. He had mentioned having a family; a wife, a daughter and granddaughter and she nearly fell out of her chair when he revealed that he was part human. She almost interrupted him when he glossed over something called regeneration, but the look in his eyes stopped her immediately and she decided that his need to impart all this information to her had the higher priority.

The Doctor moved from the wall and walked back to the arm chair opposite Rose. His face bore a haunted look as he launched into the details of the Time War. Names of people and places again passed his lips; Davros, Cult of Skaro, Arcadia, Romana, one after the other until Rose began to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information. She held fast though, determined to see this through for the sake of the amazing being opposite her. He needed her and she would not fail him.

The tale of the Time War was fast approaching its ending and the Doctor's previously strong voice now started to waver, thick with emotions.

“So you see Rose, how ironic life is. The pompous Time Lords leaving the fate of their world in the hands of one whom they despised.” Bitterness filled his voice and he continued, “Perhaps they were right. After all if any of them had survived, it wouldn't do for history to record that a full Gallifreyan caused it. No, better it be a human half breed Time Lord with a history of trouble to bear the blame of wiping out two entire species. Let the freak bear the guilt, become branded forever as the destroyer of worlds.”

By now the Doctor's whole body was trembling with tension and emotion. He forced himself to finish, though he knew by now Rose must surely despise him. “To defend the rest of time and space I had to kill them all. I couldn't save them Rose; I couldn't save any of them. That's the guilt I've had to live with. I killed my own people. There isn't a minute when I don't hear the screams of every Gallifreyan, old and young, cursing me, calling me a murderer.” As these words passed his lips his previously rigid control cracked and now the tears flowed freely as he folded his arms across his chest and he tried to curl up into a ball, or as much as the arm chair would allow him to. From within his protective cocoon Rose heard his final words. “Please Rose... forgive me.”

Rose's heart beat double time as realisation hit her. The Doctor was asking her to forgive him for more than his failure to share information with her. No, he was asking her to grant him absolution for all his supposed crimes. Any other time she might revel in the feeling of power that she had over him but not now. Right now she had to make him see that the blame he always thought to be his was an illusion. She had to set his hearts free.

Rising from her chair she crossed over to him and knelt at his feet. Placing an arm on his hand she called to him softly, “Doctor, look at me please.”

Bit by bit he uncrossed his arms and raised his head to meet her gaze.

“Doctor,” breathed Rose, reaching up to touch his face. “ I cannot exonerate you because there is nothing to be forgiven for.” The Doctor tried to speak but she stopped him by placing her fingers on his lips. “There is no denying that what you did was the catalyst that destroyed both your people and the Daleks but that does not make you a murderer. From what I can see it was the leaders of your people who should be taking the blame. They ridiculed you, refused to listen to sense and knocked you to the ground time after time. Then when the end is near they delegate the hard choices to the man who knew all along what was better for Gallifrey... except by then ... it was too late: Wasn't it Doctor?”

Rose took her hand for the Doctors face and stood up. Her expression was full of fierce emotion now. She did not wait for him to answer her, instead she kept speaking, fully intent on making him see how she saw him.

“You hate yourself for what you did Doctor but think about this; a lesser man would have stayed down, would have probably let himself die but you didn't. You took the hard road and made the tough choices despite knowing the sacrifice you were making. Don't you see Doctor; it's not whether you get knocked down, its whether you get back up and you always do.”

Rose knelt once more at the Time Lord's feet and looked up into his face. “Doctor, what you have told me only confirms things I have known about you since we first met. There are two types of heroes Doctor; the one who rides in on the white charger in all his glory and then there is the man who shows strength of mind, heart and soul, daring to take a stand when all others fail because it must be done despite knowing what it will cost him personally to do so. Then, when it's all over, he disappears leaving only a few knowing the truth about their saviour. And how lucky are we few that have the honour of meeting you. My life has been so much better since meeting you and I'm not talking about the traveling. I'm talking about how you make me see life differently and how you have touched my soul,” she finished intensely.

The Doctor groaned and bending down he swept Rose up onto his lap again, holding her against his hearts. “Oh Rose,” he gasped out in ragged breaths, “How can you say all this and know that I nearly had to sacrifice you today.”

Rose smiled against his chest before raising her head. “Because I believe in you Doctor. I believe that you will always do the right thing even if it means taking the difficult path and that it is so much more important that you continue to do this; even more so than my own life.”

“No Rose,” interrupted the Doctor. “I need you in my life far more than you know,” and he leaned down and captured her lips in a kiss that showed all too clearly how much he desired her. Finally he released her but his hold on her tightened, as if he was afraid to ever let her go.

“Rose, oh my precious darling girl,” he whispered to her passionately, “It will take time but I promise you I will try to be everything you believe me to be.”

“Doctor, you already are,” replied Rose softly into his ear before taking his mouth in another searing kiss.

The TARDIS hummed around them and was pleased. Her Time Lord would heal with the help of the woman called Rose and they would do it together